You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
