who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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