I wish I could teleport
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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