she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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