paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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