Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
