can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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