No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
