he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
