Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
