the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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