I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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