Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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