if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Randomize
