What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Randomize
