watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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