I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just found puke in my bra..
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
