...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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