True but thats because hes a fetus.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
