So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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