you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
