I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
