I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
