Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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