You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
