she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
