i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
