I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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