why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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