Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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