so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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