It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
