If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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