sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
