I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
