Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
