Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
