dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
