dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
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You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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