I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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