he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
