My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
