Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
