there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
