So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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