k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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