know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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