She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
