I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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