I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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