why do cheetos always look like penises
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
