I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
