hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
