Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize