Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
