I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
