I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
