You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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