i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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